Okay… So in a previous post I mentioned how I’ve been out of work for a few months. Let me tell you it does absolutely nothing for your motivation!
Jenny Chang/ Buzz Feed
I wouldn’t say I’ve been as low as depression, but I will say it’s been hard. The anxiety of not knowing where the next pay cheque was coming from was an overwhelming feeling and I didn’t even have bills to pay! I can only imagine how it must feel to be made redundant while you have a mortgage to pay and mouths to feed and I wholeheartedly empathise for those who find themselves in that situation.
I chose to be out of work. It was a decision I made because I was in the position where it was possible to do so. I could choose between happiness and money, and I chose happiness. I was in a job that didn’t make me happy. I was stressed, anxious, and sleep deprived. I hadn’t been in the role long, and loved everybody in the office, but I knew I would only be staying there for the money rather than the love of the job… and that’s not what I want for my career. I’m at the age where I can experiment and should take the time to find what I really want to do rather than just settling. I needed to find a job that I was excited about, one where I’d wake up in the morning and look forward to the day, a job that I saw as a career move rather than just a bill payer. I’m currently saving for a mortgage, and although the money was brilliant and would certainly secure the mortgage for us, I would have felt so unstable paying bills with a job I didn’t enjoy. So… I left.
It was such a big decision to make. I’ve had a few different jobs since I left University last year, and this was the first salaried job… and I just left it! What if I’d made the wrong decision? What if I wouldn’t find work for another 6 months? What if this gap in my C.V would look bad on me and stop me from getting other work? What if I’d just scuppered our plans to get a mortgage sooner rather than later? What if I’ve just set our plans back just so that I could be happy? Was I being selfish? All these thoughts zoomed through my head and I didn’t know how to feel. James was so supportive, and was a big player in my decision to leave the job. Mum and Dad were brilliant in allowing me to stay at home rent free until I could find other work. Ultimately – they all wanted me to be my happy bubbly self again.
It’s been so hard to get up in the morning and focus on applying for jobs. I didn’t know what I wanted any more. I’d have loved to work in a photography department, after all that’s what I did at University, but to do so I’d have to move down south or towards Manchester… and James had just settled in a job in Lincoln so it wasn’t viable. I knew I needed to find a job with a secure career path, and one with extensive training so that I didn’t feel thrown in at the deep end. I wanted to make a difference to someone’s quality of life. I searched high and low, and went to numerous interviews with a couple of offers. You know when you walk into a workplace and can imagine yourself there? That just didn’t happen for me. Each morning I woke up I felt lower and lower. I wouldn’t call it depression… but I don’t think I was too far off. A lot of people reading this would think I’m stupid for not snapping up a job offer I got… but I didn’t see the point of accepting any old job just because it was a job, otherwise I’d only find myself in the same position. Employers at interviews can be picky… so why can’t the interviewee’s? I knew the right job was out there.
I’ve since secured myself an amazing position with a company that truly cares about their employees and the value of their clients. The training is extensive – after 60 weeks training I’m pretty sure I’ll feel confident enough to do my job properly, and reach my full potential. I found out I’d been successful through the rigorous interview process three weeks ago. Then, I had 4 weeks left without work to get everything sorted and in order. I planned to finish off my sisters 30th birthday present. To get my bedroom de-cluttered, and the majority of my things packed up and ready to move so that I won’t have to do it on my weekends off once we bought a home. But that just hasn’t happened… not to the extent I’d have liked.
The honest truth is… once you’ve reached the bottom of a downward spiral, it’s quite hard to work your way back up again. Without something solid to focus on, like learning a new job, it’s hard to find the motivation. I had all the best intentions to get up early each morning and make the most of the day, but it never seemed to happen. I planned to get myself fit again after months of being sedentary while applying for jobs. But it just didn’t happen. I now have a week and a half left before I head down to Derbyshire to start my new job. This week I’ve actually managed to pull myself up out of bed to get stuff done. I’ve got 4 black bin liners ready for charity, I’ve de-cluttered, I’ve sorted through my clothes, I finished my sisters present, and I’ve started to exercise again.
Just knowing that the end of this ‘in limbo’ period of my life is nearly up has given me the motivation to crack on. I know know it was just a phase and that it was never going to last for ever. But when you’re stuck in the middle of it, you really can’t see the wood for the tree’s.
I guess the meaning of this blog post is for my own sanity, but the sanity of others too. Writing this out has made me realise that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s made me realise my emotions, how low I’ve been, but also how much this period has made me grow as a person. If you’re finding yourself in this position or something similar… please know it’s only a phase. That if we don’t have the ‘downs’ then we’ll never see the true beauty of the ‘ups’. I’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and that if something doesn’t feel right then it should be changed. Just keep at it, keep plodding on. Life will have a change of events, and suddenly you’ll feel okay again.
It’s okay not to be okay. Life shouldn’t be perfect all the time. It’s all a matter of balance.